Friday, December 17, 2010

Titles Shouldnt Contain Four Letter Words

I seem to be experiencing a writers block. Not because I don't know what to say, I just don't know how to say it. I've typed at least four paragraphs that I have gone back and deleted. Rather than trying to be witty, funny, sensitive or even educational in my approach to this subject- I'll just type whatever nonsense spills forth. If it makes sense to me- that is all that matters.

I check my Yahoo email this morning- article about a miscarriage misdiagnoses. Lucky them.

A lot of my friends face book status' have been about their recent discover of Lisa Ling's new website Secret Society of Women. She unfortunatly had the experience of a miscarriage not to long ago. Her website is a lot like PostSecret. Right now there is a secret posted that says "I took Plan B so I didnt have your boyfriends baby."
 
A few weeks back my Facebook status said something along the lines of "I now know 11 people that are pregnant and I hope it isn't contagious!"

That number is now 14. Its EVERYWHERE!

Some of these new babies are going to be born to first time parents that are very close to Mike and myself. We can't wait to watch these children grow and listen to how excited, sleep deprived, in love and completely overwhelmed these adults turned parental units are going to be. Its an amazing and exhausting experience. Nothing, absolutely nothing compares to becoming a parent. I've been blessed with the chance to experience this over and over and over again. All this miscarriage speak made me kiss each one of my babies an extra time or two today.

Unfortunately, for as many as new babies are being born in our circle of friends, miscarriage has touched our lives too. Its a pretty taboo subject. No one wants to talk about it. Chances are you know multiple people that have experienced at least one without actually knowing they have been affected by this. Its heart breaking and often misunderstood. But its common. Really, really common. One of those things that just make me want to say "Fuck" because there is no other word. Fuck. FUCK FUCK FUCK. For my best friend, friends from long ago that have shared their recent experiences with me, friends whose experiences I do not know about, and for myself. Today, right now, it is for myself.

On Tuesday the number of pregnant people I knew was 15. On Wednesday it was 14. I had a blood test which confirmed a pregnancy dated around 5 weeks. It was a bittersweet moment considering the reason I had that test done was because I was experiencing, well, we'll just say that I was experiencing "girl issues". A follow up sonogram did confirm that unlike the lucky couple in the Yahoo article, I did indeed miscarry. This is not the first time. Fourth, actually. One can only hope that it is the last.

I feel like a grade A shitbag for even being mad considering I have three handsome little men. But the other part of me says I have every right to be sad. A few people know. A few more will know now. I wasn't planning on saying anything but its been in my face the last few days. Its actually nice to see "media coverage" considering it is a subject that affects so many people but no one talks about. No reason for me to not talk about it. Any questions, you know how to reach me.

So there. That's that. It sucks. I hate it. FUCK FUCK FUCK. And please, if you're currently expecting, no need to walk on egg shells around me. I'm not any less excited for you and yours. In fact- I cant wait until you're up twelve times at night, unshowered smellin like sour baby puke and up to your eyeballs in nipple cream, poopie diapers and breast pump manuals! Its the best thing ever.

*Amanda

4 comments:

kittynana said...

I'm sorry, Honey. Really.....And you're right: Parenting is wonderful, even when it seems overwhelming.

barryandkatja said...

Amanda my blue, you know of the day I wait. No more pain or death, no sickness or sorrow. But still I wait and hold my breath as time passes so slow, a second lasts all day. Only to feel , more. I want peace to find you and steal away the echoes. You have found a key to this peace of mind we all seek. It is good and proper to till and sow the words of the unquiet heart, Warm was the tears that hold a promise of Spring’s Rite, and weep we may as we carry our sheaves.

Chris said...

Sorry to hear :(

P.S. If thats your mom/dad posting above they should be a writer!

Katie said...

I hate that it's such a taboo subject. So sorry to hear. But thank you for writing honestly about it, too!