Word Vomit Part 1

What a long, draining 8 weeks it has been around here. I really hate complaining- which is partially why I haven't done much in the writing dept lately. But mostly- I'm just to busy. I haven't had the time to just sit and write. I'm not one of the lucky ones that has the ability to put pen to paper, or fingers to keyboard, and have the words just flow. That rarely happens for me. Especially lately. Everything seems to take the last ounce of energy I have.

That being said- I've been having some health issues over the last year that  have drained me and its taken way to much time to get some answers. I'm zapped of all energy. I feel like I could sleep for a month. Now that I have answers, I make some changes and wait. In the mean time- I have to try my hardest to go to bed not long after the kids do. If that means the laundry sits in the hamper, the dishwasher goes unloaded, I don't vacuum the dog for the 3rd time that day (yes- I really do that) or I don't get the 'me' time to sit and write- then I just don't. I've was feeling really down that I haven't been able to put as much effort into writing and reviews/giveaways as I have wanted to. But that extra 90 minutes of sleep has been good for me.

I am the proud owner of the worlds easiest 16mn old. I try not to brag- but seriously- he's freakin amazing. Up at 830am, poop, eat, play, eat, nap at noon, sleep till 3 or 4, poop, eat, play, eat, play, poop, play, eat, play, bed at 830pm, sleep all night. He doesn't cry. He doesn't whine. He's not very vocal. But he knows enough signs to get what he wants and he follows directions better than most Soldiers. He's... Easy. The little girl I watch that is the same age as Cole, Monday through Friday 630am-430pm... Not so easy! (Sorry Char!) I've never seen such a small human not require sleep! If she sleeps for more than 30 minutes, I'm worried something is wrong! She's good- but not so easy! Now that I can't sneak in a nap during the day I'm wiped out by the time the oldest 2 come home at 4.

My poor big kids. I'm amazed I haven't been finding little crumpled up notes in their pockets about their new found MomZilla or hearing them pray at night that they think they want to go live with their dad. I wouldn't blame them. I'm not much fun lately.

AJ is 9, reasonably self sufficient and would space out into electronic world if I let him. I will fully admit that I have allowed him to play 4hrs of video games just so there was some peace between him and his brother. Other than a reminder to pick up after himself and double check his homework, he's easy too. As long as he isn't being forced to play with Keegan.

Ahh... Keegan. The 35yr old, divorced, disgruntled, laid off union employee trapped in a 6yr old body. That is how I see my son. I mean- there is plenty of good, too, of course. But that pretty much covers his personality. He hates things made in China. I had to peel the stickers off his new bike when I found him trying to figure out where it was made. Most of his clothes are tag-less after I found him throwing out clothes that didn't say Made in USA. He's a smart, compassionate, blunt, whirling dervish poster child for all things ADHD and unidentified emotional disorder. Basically- he's my ex husband. I live with a shorter version of my ex husband that I cannot divorce! But oh my goodness do I ever love that kid. So much so that it actually hurts. Words cannot describe. But he is e x h a u s t i n g. . .

Keegan is his father and AJ is me. That pretty much sums up their relationship, too. They're like a bitter divorced couple. I had no idea two brothers, less than three years apart could be so completely different. No wonder I'm so beat. Thank goodness the lil one has different genetics! 

They sure are handsome lil things, though!

The Thinks That Keep Me Awake

I cannot believe how quickly the days seem to be flying by.Twenty Eleven so far has seen Ranger Dick turn thirty five. The little man turned sixteen months on the first of April. AJ's ninth birthday has come and gone. Keegan is already talking about how we are in the last ten weeks of school. Which to him means summer summer summer and more summer! Then he gets to be seven. Apparently that is the coolest thing to him. Seven is a big deal in his world. No clue why. It just is. Before he turns seven, I will be coming up on my ten year high school reunion. Ten. Ten years. TEN FREAKING YEARS!!! Holy Crap. If Ive been out of high school for ten years.... Keegan is turning seven and than days later I'll be twenty... twenty... twenty eight... TWENTY FREAKING EIGHT!!! That is worse than TEN FREAKING YEARS!!! I am SOOOO on the wrong side of twenty five. Right now, I can see thirty. Its there, off in the distance. A glorious mountain that I am not within walking distance of. But it is visible from where I stand. By October I will be well on my way to climbing that mountain. I'm going to be working on changing my mindset. Rather than not knowing if I'm ready for thirty, I want to know if thirty is ready for me! 

Accolades, Education, Experiences... None of that has given me more sense of accomplishment than these guys have.

Keegan 6 Ayden 9 Colden 15mns

  

There is more to me than just being their Mom.  But if there wasn't, I would be okay with that too.

Wait a minute... If I'm creeping up on twenty eight... Colden is almost... TWO?!?!

 Ugh.  

Titles Shouldnt Contain Four Letter Words

I seem to be experiencing a writers block. Not because I don't know what to say, I just don't know how to say it. I've typed at least four paragraphs that I have gone back and deleted. Rather than trying to be witty, funny, sensitive or even educational in my approach to this subject- I'll just type whatever nonsense spills forth. If it makes sense to me- that is all that matters.

I check my Yahoo email this morning- article about a miscarriage misdiagnoses. Lucky them.

A lot of my friends face book status' have been about their recent discover of Lisa Ling's new website Secret Society of Women. She unfortunatly had the experience of a miscarriage not to long ago. Her website is a lot like PostSecret. Right now there is a secret posted that says "I took Plan B so I didnt have your boyfriends baby."
 
A few weeks back my Facebook status said something along the lines of "I now know 11 people that are pregnant and I hope it isn't contagious!"

That number is now 14. Its EVERYWHERE!

Some of these new babies are going to be born to first time parents that are very close to Mike and myself. We can't wait to watch these children grow and listen to how excited, sleep deprived, in love and completely overwhelmed these adults turned parental units are going to be. Its an amazing and exhausting experience. Nothing, absolutely nothing compares to becoming a parent. I've been blessed with the chance to experience this over and over and over again. All this miscarriage speak made me kiss each one of my babies an extra time or two today.

Unfortunately, for as many as new babies are being born in our circle of friends, miscarriage has touched our lives too. Its a pretty taboo subject. No one wants to talk about it. Chances are you know multiple people that have experienced at least one without actually knowing they have been affected by this. Its heart breaking and often misunderstood. But its common. Really, really common. One of those things that just make me want to say "Fuck" because there is no other word. Fuck. FUCK FUCK FUCK. For my best friend, friends from long ago that have shared their recent experiences with me, friends whose experiences I do not know about, and for myself. Today, right now, it is for myself.

On Tuesday the number of pregnant people I knew was 15. On Wednesday it was 14. I had a blood test which confirmed a pregnancy dated around 5 weeks. It was a bittersweet moment considering the reason I had that test done was because I was experiencing, well, we'll just say that I was experiencing "girl issues". A follow up sonogram did confirm that unlike the lucky couple in the Yahoo article, I did indeed miscarry. This is not the first time. Fourth, actually. One can only hope that it is the last.

I feel like a grade A shitbag for even being mad considering I have three handsome little men. But the other part of me says I have every right to be sad. A few people know. A few more will know now. I wasn't planning on saying anything but its been in my face the last few days. Its actually nice to see "media coverage" considering it is a subject that affects so many people but no one talks about. No reason for me to not talk about it. Any questions, you know how to reach me.

So there. That's that. It sucks. I hate it. FUCK FUCK FUCK. And please, if you're currently expecting, no need to walk on egg shells around me. I'm not any less excited for you and yours. In fact- I cant wait until you're up twelve times at night, unshowered smellin like sour baby puke and up to your eyeballs in nipple cream, poopie diapers and breast pump manuals! Its the best thing ever.

*Amanda